sentimentalisme

Am fost declarata o epava emotionala iar acum trebuie sa ma conformez. Face parte din natura umana, deci este numaidecat natural sa ascult si sa respect atributele ce mi se atribuie. Sunt defecta din fabricatie si deci irreparabila, dar totusi trebuie sa incerc.
"Buna ziua domnule doctor Zoidberg. Sunt aici ca sa ma reparati"
"Nicio problema, domnisoaro. Care pare a fi problema?"
"Trebuie sa fiu normala"
"Trebuie?"
"Da. Caci, vedeti, asta va insemna moartea mea."
Pelerinez pe strazi in cautarea unui medicament pentru conditia mea. Trec zilnic pe langa miliarde de chipuri si locuri sanatoase, adevarate oaze paradisiace, si cu fiecare milimetru de anticorp, realizez din ce in ce mai mult gravitatea bolii mele. Voi putea oare, cand tot acest cosmar cotidian se va incheia, caci totul are un sfarsit altfel nu credinta nu siar mai gasi rostul, sa apartin? Sa apartin cu adevarat? Sa le inteleg miscarile si tonul? Sa le pot asculta muzica si sa nu ma ingrozesc?
"De ce iti doresti moartea copilo?"
"Pentru ca fiecare zi traita inseamna o zi de nefiinta irosita"
"Si de ce consideri inexistanta mai presus existentei"
"Pentru ca inexistenta este binecuvantata cu lipsurile durerii"
"Dar si a fericirii..."
"Da intradevar. Dar daca nu mai este suferinta, atunci cum sar putea distinge fericirea? Vedeti? Unele lucruri pur si simplu nu exista chiar daca nu ne scapa din priviri"
"Iti este frica de fericire"
"Nu. Ma ingrozeste"
Ani dea lungul am transpirat eternitati din mine pentru aridica acest zid ce ma separa de voi, ce ma separa de zambete, doar pentru al nimici.

Tehnical business

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS!
I can totally live with the fact that I am a complete bitch with no hope for a cure, the only thing that is killing me, therefore i cannot live with, is the mere and ironic fact that no body sees the bitch I am, consequently denying all the things I stand for and represent.
SECOND ORDER OF BUSINESS!
I want to apologise to all the people i have hurt, victims of my limitless ego, consciously or imaginatively and if I start to think about it, I think that I have hurt more or less every person I have set eyes on, of course, not all of them directly, but though it counts.
THIRD ORDER OF BUSINESS!
This is not a deathnote, though the anime series killed it big time.
FORTH ORDER OF BUSINESS!
My mum is an obsessive control freak whom i would like nothing more but to dispose of in a rather unorthodox way, it's called a give and take relationship, mom!
FIFTH AND FINAL ORDER OF BUSINESS!
Life has just started. Why not play a killer game of twister? I'm first!

Finalitate

Ca si paranteza de inceput, caci e gresit sa fim directi, defapt e o crima, mai grav decat orice gand imaginabil, aceast omor cu premeditare a intimitatii si misterului personal, transfigurare in tot sensul cuvantului al persoanei noastre in noi insine. "I am the man in the mirror/my reflection is smiling at me/I'm thinking about what you said/but what can I say?". Deci aceasta paranteza va fi tehnic legata de tastatuira, pe care fara resentimente am inlocuito intro dimineata a sperantei, a primaverii, a zilei de joi, a cabinetului de informatica, a unui sentiment de impacare si lipsa de rabdare, asteptare. Aceasa sper doar sa nu fie bolnava, pentru nici un alt motiv inafara de pur egoism. De mai bine de un miliard de sentimente, patru luni, corpul meu asteapta calduros un mic virus, un virus dragut care sa ma invadeze, sa ma distruga in interior. S-a incheiat paranteza, caci in fond e vorba de finalitate.
Finalitatea
Aceasta existenta care se nascuse de curand si promitea atat de multe, potentialul era urias, o noua viata, un nou big bang universal, s-a incheiat tragic in seara care tocmai mia brazdat corpul. Finalitate. Finalitate. Finalitate. Un nou potential va trebui sa se nasca. Trebuie sa se nasca. Am nevoie de existenta mai mult decat de orice in aceste momente. Aceasta e existenta in care am nevoie de viata, de nectarul dulce al oxigenului, al batailor neintrerupte ale miocardului si a dorintei de fericire, desi mereu am vanat suferinta... am sa ma rog pentru fericire, pentru un big bang universal al fericirii neintrerupte si neconditionate, in care sa ma aseaman cu toti si sa fiu diferita. Vreau sa doara si sa fie aromat, plin de savoare si sentiment, plin de sperante si vise si muzica mea.
Am incheiat romanul. Dovada moarta a artei si creierului meu sia intalnit finalitatea acum cateva ore deodata cu existenta promitatoare. Ce fel de existenta va urma? caci pentru prima data am cunoscut fericirea, impacarea deplina cu reflexia din oglinda ce imi zambea mereu. Suferinta trebuie sa inceteze. Trebuie sa avortez suferita, durerea. Trebuie sa imi ingrop arta langa cadavrele iubirilor mele, caci trebuie sa omor tot ceea ce iubesc pentru a nu ma bantui. Finalitate. Finalitate. Asrara miam omorat romanul si iam dat un nume. Aseara o noua existenta sia inscris numele in jurnalul meu si acum astept sa se intoarca dupa mine. Pentru ca orice sudferinta este dulce pentru mine. Pentru ca orice omor e hrana pentru suflet, iar fiecare cadavru e un accesoriu ornamental de craciun. Anul acesta craciunul va fi minunat si plin. Astept craciunul. Astept craciunul sa ne gaseasca impreuna, intinsi pe salteaua patului tau, innecandune in frustrare si implinire si o minciuna a iubirii.

Thunder

Die&photek feat. hollie - thunder

Tastatura mea e bolnava, deci indispusa, nefunctionala si cu un liber arbitru prea puternic exersat, deci trebuie ignorata in momentele ei ragice de greseli neintentionate. (explicatie nesesara greselilor mele ortografice, asta si un sentiment de nepasare si lipsa de interes)
Am inceput o noua existenta, cealalta expiand undeva in mijlocul zilei de sambata. Intr-un fel ma indispune aceasta necompatibilitate a existentelor cu viata, cu modul meu de abordare a zborului caracterizat de timp. Deci e o noua existenta cu o noua sansa, si fiind o noua existenta va trebui sa fiu o noua eu. Ce ar trebui sa schimb la mine? Oare ar fi benefic sa imi reactivez aacountul la fucked up relationship store? ma gandesc ca ar trebui sa testez limitele inimii mele in ceea ce priveste suferinta, durerea, extazul si emotia, desigur priora ar fi suferinta, caci I take great pleasures in bleeding inside and looking my best. Mereu sunt mai frumoasa cand sufar, cand interiorul meu se deterioreaza si se contorsioneaza si devine monstrul ce ar trebui sa fiu eu. In camera inoata sunetele muzicii mele, putin bring me the horizon, putin diamond's aren't forever, iar in creierul meu, pr fundatia cognitiei mele, danseaza diverse ganduri suicidale, mortuare si perverse. Cred, defapt sunt sigura, ca inca nu team uitat, defapt nu vam uitat pe niciunul, in mare parte pentru ca in timpul existentei mele de inchidere sentimentala, blocaj, mintea mea a cunoscut o perioada de inflorire intelectuala, care inca isi lasa ampreunta asupraz mea. Cum se produce iertarea si uitarea? Avea dre ptate Fowles cand zicea ca a ierta e una cu a uita? si cum sa uit cand regasesc mirosul pielii tale in locuri unde nu ai fost niciodata si niciodata pe tine? Cum as putea sa te iert cand nici mie nu imi acord ragaz? cand nici pentru mine nu gasesc puterea de impacare? Cand reflexia mea in oglinda se transupe in forma pe care o detest, in detaliile acelea oribile si contururi neresuscitabile? Tu ai vrea sa ma ierti? Caci ai trecut de mult peste uitarea a ceea ce am fost eu...

(fragmente)Scrisori catre dragul meu...

Formalitate
Nu doresc, sub nicio forma a dorintei voluntare sau involuntare, constiente si imaginare, sa devin acea parte din tine care te va manca de viu. Intr-adevar, durerea este inevitabila, caci, fundamental, se naste, se hraneste si moare o data cu rationamentul nostru, si, prin urmare, nu ii pot fi si nu ii sunt eu cauza, desi, prin asociere si superficialitate, as putea fi condamnata pentru inundatiile emotionale din sufletul tau.

Dragoste
Ma metamorfozez in negru: Ochii negrii, Pielea neagra, Parul negru, Dorintele negre, Dragostea neagra; Caci, vezi tu, nu mai pot fi eu dupa furtuna ce esti tu.

Sinucidere
Te iubesc!

Dorinte
Am venit ca si romanii, am tabarat peste asezarile nomade a ceea ce sti tu si am plecat de parca nici nu ai existat. presupun ca inca ma mai simti, ca inca sunt vie si te lovesc in colturi nebanuite ale credintei tale. Ia-ma in brate si lasa-ma sa vindec rana ce sunt eu, ranile ce au fost altii. Arata-mi mainile s i inalta-le spre cer; arata-mi inima ta si lasa-ma sa te vindec!

Jurnal...

Si poate aceasta este singura fila nepoetica, denumire necesara existentei sale (caci totul trebuie sa aiba un nume si un timp pentru a exista); a acestei carti, desi e o pagina web in subconstientul meu mereu va ramane o carte a insemnarilor mele spirituale si emotionale, o enciclopedie periodica a starii mele psihice; acea casuta albastra in care ma adapostesc atat de frecvent incat cateodata simt ca impartasim aceleasi dureri, aceleasi cancere si unghii roase; un jurnal neglijat.
Am scris atat de mult in ultimul timp incat cateodata simt ca ma topesc, ca ard incet si constant, iar caldura din jur a inceput sa ma sufoce, sa devina un sentiment, un sentiment bolnav si intens, o sinucidere cardiaca, iar eu, eu alunec si ma scurg pe birou, peste foile albe, patandule cu stropi din mine, impodobindumi arta cu hemoglobine si sperante.
Imi doresc sa termin. Sincer cred ca aceasta este cauza durerii constante ce o simt in ster, conditionandumi respiratia si intensitatea trairilor emotionale. Asta si poate un dor neincetat, ce ma bantuie de o istorie. Si nu imi vine sa cred, poate refuz cu indarzire, sau pur si simplu nu sunt capabila din punct de vedere cognitiv sa procesez asa ceva, dar refuz, sper sa refuz, refuz sa cred ca ma reduc la bidimensionalism, ca inca o data regresez la acest stadiu al existentei cand inca regasesc parfumul amintirilor noptilor, in care miam jurat ca nu ma voi intoarce in acest loc, pe anumite bucati ale hartii ce sunt eu.
Va voi elibera din mintea mea numai pentru a va transforma in arta si a va ingropa sub marii clasici ai literaturii universale. Si va veti sufoca in sentimentul meu, si imi veti simti durerea, si sangele vostru va fi otravit cu culorile mele, iar eu voi fi ultimul vostru gand. Va voi roade ca si un cancer, ca si o boala cu transmitere sexuala, vulgar si crud, si ma voi hrani din voi toti, si va voi inchide pe fiecare in file galbuie numai pentru a va citi sub lumina slaba a lunii in lunile tomnatice.
Am inceput sa scriu o carte despre el, despre acel el care ii aduna pe toti.

new music about game (i know. i know. the order. i know. trust me.)

1.How did you get into no.29?
Millencolin.
RAWR:X:X:X the same way it got into me, honey (forever love:X)

2. What's the first song you ever heard by no.22?
KoRn
Aerials (remains favourite as up today)

3. Whats your favorite lyrics by no.33?
alexisonfire
Waiting outside
The accidents you could find
It's like some kind of suicide

4. How did you get into no.49?
The Clash
never heard of them

5. How many albums by no.13 do you own?
Pennywise
2... not that proud about that...

6. What is your favorite song by no.50?
Faith No More
=_= why not asking alexandria related?

7. Is there a song by no.39 that makes you sad?
Dead Kennedys
=_= why not emarosa?

8. What is your favorite song by no.15?
Incubus
The gift of paralysis :X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X

9. What is your favorite song by no.5?
AFI
pennywise aren't quite my cup of tea...

10. Is there a song by no.6 that makes you happy?
The Used
never listened...

11. What is the worst song by no.40?
Papa Roach
They don't have one :))))) (solid)

12. What is your favorite song by no.10?
MxPx
Pain :X:X:X ("close your mouth and try keeping it closed forever)

13. What is a good memory you have involving no.30?
lostprophets
downloading a day to remember and anberlin in the same time :))))

14. What is your favorite song by no.38?
Metallica
Disenchanted

15. Is there a song by no.19 that makes you happy?
Envy On The Coast
the one with the girlfriend and boyfriend ^_^

16. Is there a song by no.25 that makes you sad?
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Anthem of our dying day?... maybe....

17. What is the first song you ever heard by 23?
WIZO
embarrassed... :">:">:">:">

18. What's your favorite lyric by no.11?
Jimmy Eat World
I'm getting away with murder (lifestyle decision :))) )

19. Who is a favorite member of no.1?
The Offspring
huh? was it so hard to ask about Handshakes and Highfives? was it? was it?

20. Is there a song by no.14 that makes you happy?
Rise Against
ALL NIGHTMARE LONG :X awawawawawaw

21. What is a good memory involving no.27?
Silverstein
these bands don't actually exist, do they?

22. What is your favorite song by no.16?
System of a Down
The Zephir song andddddddddd..... Scartissue :X

23. What is the first song you ever heard by no.47?
The Lawrence Arms
bad long term memory :)))))

24. What is your favorite album by no.18?
Rancid
Futures

25. What is your favorite song by no.21?
Story of the Year
Hard one :)))))....ahm....ahm...ahm...already dead?... maybe discovering the waterfront... or or or Worlds apart... ahm... not that sure...

26. What is the first song you ever heard by no.26?
Attack Attack!
I kissed a girl :))))) (cliche)

27. What is your favorite album by no.3?
Die Ärzte
Crisis:X:X:X:X (orgies! orgasms! awawawaw!)

28. What is you favorite song by no.2?
Bad Religion
Freak on a leash (original version without Amy Lee)

29. What was the first song you ever heard by no.32?
Funeral for a Friend
Unholy Confessions (solid #2)

30. What is you favorite song by no.8?
Alkaline Trio
Not my cup of tea #2

31. How many times have you seen no.17 live?
Beatsteaks
never

32. Is there a song by no.44 that makes you happy?
Avenged Sevenfold
The arsonist
(Q: Anna what do you wanna be when you grow up?
A: An arsonist :D)

33. How did you get into no.12?
Green Day
invented bands it seems... close to 50 i will find faithful insulin, won't i?

34. What is the worst song by no.45?
Limp Bizkit
I really really really really don't like (hate is a strong word) lights and sounds, though it is their most known song it's too... commercial... shitty...

35, What was the first song you ever heard by no.34?
Billy Talent
Rollin'

36. What was the first song you ever heard by no.48?
Sevendust
Cross out the eyes:X:X:X:X (second favourite after you were the cancer! :o!)

37. How many times have you seen no.42 live?
Senses Fail
-the receiving end of sirens anyone? seriously do they really exist?

38. What is you favorite song by no.36?
My Chemical Romance
- Why not ask of Dead poetic?

39. What was the first song you ever heard by no.28?
No Use For a Name
Infected:D:D:D:D (gorgeous. needs to be sent to paul if it hasn't been already)

40. What is you favorite album by no.7?
Anti-Flag
Why weren't there Kill Hannah??? I would have gladly said "I wanna be a Kennedy" but nooooooooo... it had to be the Dead Kennedys...

41. Is there a song by no.31 that makes you happy?
blink-182
-why not ask of Breath Carolina

42. What is your favorite album by no.41?
Against Me
Take off your pants and jacket (for more than one reason:">)

43. What is your favorite song by no.24?
Fall Out Boy
I don't do Rancid

44. What is a good memory you have involving no.46?
Thrice
- WHy not ask of underoath?

45. What is your favorite song by no.35?
Yellowcard
Good one... ahm...?????? This suffering???? maybe where is the line.... not sure....

46. Is there a song by no.9 that makes you happy?
Dropkick Murphys
YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES :D There are more than one:">:">:"> (try 95% of their discography and you'll get close) Girls not gray:X:X:X (killin') and and and This celluloid dream AWAWAWAWAW <3<3<3

47. What is your favorite album by no.4?
NOFX
they were the ones with a song named "a train in vain?" :))))) if not never heard of them =)))))

48. Who is your favorite member of no.37?
Thursday
never thought of them in that way.... but i do really fance Handguns and second chances if it counts... :">

49. What is the first song you ever heard by no.43?
Descendents
owowowowowowowow This ain't a scene it's an arms race :X:X:X good song.... even dad luvd it :)))))

50. What is your favorite song by no.20?
Lagwagon
BLOOD TO BLEED (epic!epic!epic!:X forever baby forever)